Everyone's harping on about the negative impact of the ash cloud on the British economy. But what about the positive side? Who is gaining from ash cloud? Harvey Jones investigates.
Iceland’s ash-spewing Eyjafjallajokull volcano is the new swine flu (I’ve just read). It’s the eruption that has locked down a continent. An explosive reminder of man’s helplessness in the face of Mother Nature. A warning shot across the bounds of our complex, inter-connected global society. And a further toxic export from the land that brought us Icesave.
But hey, it’s not all bad. At least we’re going to get purple sunsets. And there are plenty of other good things about bad volcanoes. Here are just 10 of them.
1. Thank you ferry much.
I loved cross-Channel ferries when I was a boy. You really felt you were going abroad, and I was thrilled by that first sight of France as the ramp came down (even if it was only Calais dockyards). Air travel just isn’t the same. It’s cloistered and claustrophobic, and your first sight of the new country is the arrivals queue, which could be anywhere in the world (except Heathrow, which could only be dingy old Heathrow). In the age of cheap flights and the Eurostar, it’s amazing the ferries have survived at all. I’m glad they’re enjoying their day in the sun.
2. Where to, guv’nor?
Taxi drivers have been having fun, bless ‘em, particularly John Cleese’s cabbie, who earned £3,300 to drive him from Oslo to Brussels. Apparently the journey cost just £1,000, but Cleese slipped the driver another £2,300 if he promised not to yabber all the way there.
3. British tourism.
When my Norwegian girlfriend tells my friends that England is the most beautiful country on earth, they gape in horror. That’s because they’re thinking of Slough, drive-thru KFCs, windswept retail parks and yesterday’s copy of The Sun blowing down a concrete pedestrian precinct, while she’s thinking of Kent, the Suffolk coast, Cotswolds, Yorkshire Dales, country pubs and the view from Waterloo Bridge. If flying becomes such a nightmare that we learn to appreciate our green and pleasant land, that can only be a good thing.
If your holiday has been affected by the crisis, read: Your travel rights when a natural disaster strikes
4. Live near your family.
An elderly British couple who had retired in southern Spain were moaning because the volcano had stopped them flying home to see their grandchildren. “We miss the little ones so much, it all seems so unfair,” they wailed. If you miss them so much, why decamp to southern Spain in the first place? Maybe the volcano will help us get our family priorities right.
5. The hotel industry.
Too many British hotels may be damp and shabby, with iron age plumbing and stone age service, but they’re our hotels, British hotels, and it’s good to see them filling up again, even if it is with grounded foreigners desperate to fly home, and wondering why we put fitted carpets around our toilets, have separate hot and cold taps rather than a single practical mixer tap, and are the only country in the world to still install electric showers.
6. Saved by the Navy.
The Royal Navy once ruled the waves, but with New Labour’s insistence on fighting wars only in deserts, it’s been short of things to do lately. Not anymore. Now Gordon Brown can look prime ministerial by despatching HMS Ark Royal and HMS Ocean to “rescue” British holidaymakers stranded in Europe, and just in time for the election. The Navy must love it. It’s like Dunkirk all over again, except they’re not being strafed by the Luftwaffe while plucking British troops from the briney, but picking up bedraggled holidaymakers and businessmen who will immediately start whingeing that there’s no duty-free bar on board.
7. Oil be damned.
The steadily rising cost of oil to around $85 a barrel was beginning to threaten the global economic recovery. With demand for aviation fuel plunging, oil has slumped to $81.45, thus staving off a double dip depression, at least until the volcanic clouds clear.
8. Ash cash.
As every serious investor knows, other people’s misery is always an opportunity to make money, in this case by shorting airline stocks. Another by-product is that mounting airline losses have wiped the smug smile off Ryanair chief Michael O’Leary’s face.
9. We’ve found somebody to blame!
A crisis is no fun unless there’s a culprit, and we can’t really blame Mother Nature. Luckily, there are plenty of other people to point the finger at. Climate change campaigners blame the volcano on global warming. An Iranian cleric pins it on women who wear revealing clothing. Anti-capitalists campaigners blame capitalism. BA blames the Met Office. Passengers blame the airlines. The tabloids blame Elf & Safety. American shockjock Rush Limbaugh blames it on President Obama. Personally, I blame it all on the Icelandic people, who can’t be trusted to run a banking system, so it’s hardly surprising they can’t regulate their volcanoes either.
10. And the rest...
Add to this the lack of aircraft noise, the sound of birdsong in flightpaths, falling emissions, improved air quality, and the fact that nobody has died from flying a plane into a plume of volcanic ash, and this crisis isn’t so bad after all. If you’re stuck in some godforsaken foreign hole with a maxed-out credit card, feel free to hate me.
Mind you, I hope it’s over by Sunday, I’ve got this plane to catch, you see...