Keeping your finances afloat when your relationship sinks

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When splitting accept that if you go to law there will be less to go round. Try to cooperate. Don't be greedy. This minimises both the financial and the emotional trauma of the separation.

I divorced my husband in 2008. He brought nothing to the marriage other than a loving personality and a fun loving nature. In the ten years we were together I paid for him to complete his education, funding further and higher education which he dropped out of.  I funded him sitting on his backside for 5 months refusing to get a job as he was grieving for his mothers death (co-incidently my own Mum died ten months after his and whilst distraught I found it possible to return to work within the allotted compassionate leave period offered by my work). I could go on about what I financially contributed but you get the ieda. When I met someone who I felt more closely met my outlook and desires from life I called an end to the relationship and asked for a divorce. I had worked continually for the ten years, I had paid for everything, I owned the home we lived in as I had bought it outright with my Mum and Dad (a modest little terrace house in a not too horrible south London suburb), the car my husband drove and the clothes on his back. I indulged his every whim and got myself into debt trying to give him the quality of life he wanted and I wanted him to have. When we split everyone sounded the alarm bells. I sought out a good solicitor and the advice she gave me was don't just expect everything you brought to be yours to walk away with and the rules people go on about with 50/50 split just because you're married are bunkum. She told me that at the end of the day we could go to court we could put forward the facts and hope that my ex was sent off with the clothes on his back and he should be grateful but she said in her experience nothing is cut and dried and the magistrate can and sometimes does come completely out of left field with absurd rulings. I offered to pay my husbands solicitors fees for the divorce, after all I wanted it, and the advice from my solicitor for the most cost efficient and least heartbreaking way to resolve matters was to use a mediator. It cost about £300 all in for the mediator (with solicitors fees on top of that for myself and my ex) but I would urge that if things are amicable to try and use this to come to a joint decision. My ex was very angry that his standard of living would drastically reduce (but to be honest I couldn't support it much longer if we'd stayed together) and he even demanded half of my share of my Dad's house that my Mum had left me. This is pretty drastic but all I can say is don't assume that the legal system will see "sense" in the same way you do. I ended up agreeing that I would mortgage my share of the house I owned with my Dad, i.e. marital home and then I would pay off the debts that were run up on the games consoles, wide screen TVs and cars (my ex bored of his motors easily and there was always a good reason to get another car for him) and then what was left I offered to go 50/50. This amounted to just under £50k for me to pay into his bank account. The mediator thought this was rather generous in the circumstances but it was important that things ended amicably after all I married this man because I loved him and we had a lot of fun in our ten years together and he was my best friend so please try to remember that, when people are hurt they lash out. I recommend a good solicitor and mediation. My Dad died a couple of months ago, my ex has started playing the "I'm skint" card, knowing that I am the sole executor of my Dad's estate but I'm just glad I realised in 2008 that we were not right together. My ex husband and I were both in our 30s when we split with a similar earning potential and no kids. This does make things a lot simpler so I can't speak for those break ups where children are involved.